Christopher Sebela

writer, wronger, rearranger

Nov. 22nd

Listen dickwad …

You made two mistakes in your Tuesday 12th review of Saturday Night Live on page two of the L.A. Herald-Examiner:

Mistake #1 — I didn’t contribute a sentence, a word, a syllable, a fucking dust mote to SNL’s opening show so don’t blame me if it turned out to be a big bowl of fucking dog snot. Yes the Marilyn Monroe sketch was lacking in wit and so was every other sketch on the show but it sure as fuck was lacking in my wit because I don’t work on the live show!I’m hired only to write and direct short films/videos.

On real newspapers — as opposed to the tar-pit pennysaver you work for — they have this novel policy of “checking the facts” before writing a story. Here are the facts —

FACT — The Marilyn Monroe sketch was written by producers Tom Davis and Al Franken, head-writer Jim Downey and staffer George Meyer.

FACT — Almost everything else on the premiere show was written by Davis, Franken and Downey.

FACT — My agreement with Lorne Michaels is only to write and direct short film/videos.

FACT — These short film/videos will begin with the credit “WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY MICHAEL O’DONOGHUE” so that mentally-challenged TV reviewers will be able to identify them.

FACT — The only thing you did before shooting your mouth off was to pull out the donkey dong you were gnawing on.

Let me put it in upper case so that even a screaming jizzbag like you with a Bundt cake for a brain and the I.Q. of an eggtimer can grasp it — I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SNL’S FIRST SHOW; I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SECOND SHOW; I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE THIRD SHOW; AND, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD, I WON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SHOWS FOUR, FIVE AND SIX!!! Can you “dig it,” touchhole?? Am I getting through???

In the great Southern California tradition of airhead journalism, I’m sure you don’t give a flying fuck about “Truth” nor would you accept culpability (Look it up!) for your errors so I don’t expect an apology or a retraction. I write this only as a Zen exercise. And you can return to your work in the flak factory retyping press handouts from the Amanda Foundation.

Mistake #2 — You were much too easy on the show.

Let me close with the sincere hope that you and everyone you love catches rectal cancer and dies screaming.

…Blow me,

Michael O’Donoghue

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